Sometimes I dance.
2015 was hard.
It was bad at times, even—but as one who is proud, it’s difficult admitting that out loud. I’m the first-born of immigrant parents (one half of which is a feminist), which means you know better than to admit hardship. To fall is to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable is to be weak. You keep your head up. You move on, work through it alone. Quietly.
Greater than my sense of pride, however, is the guilt. I’m blessed and I know it: I have a roof over my head, I have a job that I’m excited about, I have a working mind and body, I can afford to eat organic, I’m typing from a goddamn Macbook. I have all that I need and a little more. How could things possibly bad? How could I let myself wallow in self-pity when there is so much worse in the world? What’s wrong with me?
It’s not all happy days and pretty things, but I’m learning that it’s okay to admit when things get tough.
I’m happy for 2015 to be over soon. And while the end of a year is no guarantee for things to get better overnight, I’m one of those silly people who believe in the magic of a New Year. Clean slate. Tabula rasa. For me, it’s more symbolic than practical—but sometimes mindset is all you have.
And that’s all you need.
I decided it was time to set New Year’s resolutions again this year. I promised myself I’d try, and in the true spirit of a fresh start, I’ve tucked the list right at the front of my Filofax (filled with brand new pages!) to remind myself of them everyday.
. . .
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS 2016
- Live with intention and grace. Be impeccable with your word, always.
- Write more. Write often. Improve your craft.
- Be fearless. Forget judgement—especially your own.
- Stop. Self. Sabotaging.
- Take more photos.
- Curate a beautiful wardrobe, but edit relentlessly.
- Be kinder to yourself. (You are your own best friend.)
- Celebrate everything and nothing. Burn incense while working on yourself; light candles while working on, well, work. Wear the Agent Provocateur. Stop saving for the ‘perfect occasion:’ it doesn’t exist. You create it.
- Take care of your mind, body, and soul. Be conscious. Dance. Stretch. Practice. Move.
- Remove distractions. De-clutter. Live more, be online less.
- Read.
- Save.
- Be patient. (Your first place is patiently awaiting you.)
- Learn. (Re: read more.) Teach yourself at least one new skill, digital and tangible. Immerse yourself in feminism, past, present, and future. Tackle social and cultural studies next.
- Travel more. At least one place, internationally.
- Start a new project, or throw yourself into something you’ve been afraid to invest in. This is a new beginning.
- Stop calling things ‘hobbies.’ It’s a cop-out. You deserve more than to stopped by yourself.
- Learn to love the woman in the mirror.
- Stop calling yourself a girl. You’re a woman.
- Sleep. Wake up early.
- Participate. Document everything, write about it, but most importantly, live it.
. . .
xx
I think many people struggle with the guilt of feeling emotionally drained despite being financially afloat, especially those born to immigrant parents. As people say, I feel you. I really like the point that “mindset is all you have.” I like making goals and new year’s resolutions despite knowing that I probably won’t fulfill all of them. That’s fine. I just want to know I’m doing everything in my power to make years have a different feeling. I wanted 2015 to *feel* (here is where I lament the inability to italicize in comments) more peaceful. Less chaotic, less uncertain, and force myself to hold routines. I, like you, have always thought sleep was for the weak and I can’t sleep if I want to succeed. But, that isn’t true. Having no routines is a shortcut to misery, uncertainty, and chaos. How can I succeed if I have no clarity? So, 2015 was the year of clarity. I want 2016 to be the year of memories. I want stronger discipline (better scheduling and studying habits), I want to look up from my phone/laptop more, and I want to do more new things, more things that I’ve always wanted to do but haven’t done for some reason.
Yes, yes, yes to everything you just said.
Feeling is everything. My goal this year is to reach my fullest potential, or at least try my best (and accept my best as enough, as progress). I actually love routine: in an ideal world (and when I was happiest, I’ll note) I’d be completely regimented. (That said, I’m especially hard on myself when I fall off the bandwagon [so to speak]. I’m the all, 1000% in type or nothing at all. That needs to change.)
I love the last bit you wrote: use 2015 as the year of clarity, and let 2016 be the year of memories made. Here’s to being, living, doing. <3
xx
I just now discovered your blog and I’ve been for the past 3 hours reading more and more of your writing, your essence, of who you are as a person. I am so touched and inspired by all your words and your mindset. I can relate to many things and the other things I don’t relate makes me what to cherish and change a side of me I’ve been wanting to for the longest time. Again, I wanted to emphasize who much you have inspired me so I thought I’d tell you that and I hope this new year, this 2016 has been nothing short of extraordinary for you. I actually had the pleasure of meeting you at salsa club on Rutgers and I find your art, your dance to be absolutely astonishing, you are an incredible dancer and now seeing a little bit more of your essence through your blog it seems like you are an incredible human being inside just as you are on the outside.
Wishing you a year of happiness, xx
Omg Talita, hi! I can’t get over your words; you are far too kind. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m so in awe.
You just graduated, right? If so, please come visit next year! Or, better yet, come out and dance with us at Rosalita’s this summer <3